It’s taken me a bit to get this post written. It will be short and sweet as well for I have other things to conquer!
I had my AC1 test last month and much to my surprise it came back 5.9! That my friends , is truly amazing and I can’t really take the credit, at least that’s how I feel. See in May I didn’t walk much and June was a blur from farming and softball games.
My ankle/foot/heal still ache but I’m trying to be better about small spurts for walks and stretching more. My weight still bounces in the 197 area and I know in the past month it’s because of the processed foods I’ve been eating. Vacation didn’t help either. I can excuse it all over the place but basically it’s my own fault for putting food into my mouth, no one else.
I won’t have my AC1 checked again until January 2019 but after having this one done I feel more confident in myself. I feel that although I am still in the same place physically that I CAN DO THIS! That life doesn’t stop because of Diabetes.
I will keep moving and trying my best to put half a plate of veggies before me with little of other stuff. Life is a journey and I’m heading down mine watching sunsets and sunrises, dealing with stress, and doing the best I can!
The topic at hand was inspired via this bible study I recently (slowly) started reading. It’s been “waiting” on me to begin it for sometime now! 🙂 I read one chapter then put it down for another week until I awoke super early on vacation. It was staring at me – creating guilt within, even though it was tucked away inside my bag.
Ask any of my immediate family members and they will tell you that waiting is not my virtue. That I like to know what is going to happen prior to it even being formed at times. When watching shows or movies I will figure out the next “act” around the corner. This drives my husband crazy because on more than one occasion I am correct.
In my mind though, I like to think that with age I have become a tad more patient. Of course my employer had me take one of those “hiring” tests last week that reflected patience was not my strong suit. 🙂 It did reflect some really good things about me though too! 🙂
The bible study today was on Anna, it brought about feelings of things I had been keeping in the back of my own mind. Wondering what my next “act” would be myself, what purpose do I have in this life.
For a few years now I have been grampling with a few different things and in the chaos of my mind I’ve let doubt prevail. I’ve always wanted to see myself as a strong woman but in honesty not so much in recent years. The feeling of being proud of myself has lingered. All while jumping from one thing to another wondering why I can not master one thing.
Did I mention waiting isn’t my strong suit? I know I used to heavily be the type of person that had to hurry up and get to the finish line so I could start the next thing to conquer. At least that is what it felt like in my head. Placing my “worth and value” in what I could get done. (This is probably why it drives me nuts to have quilt tops not quilted and ready to present!)
Along the way though and I need to give a shout out to my hubs here because he is not a rushy person. He has brought a sense of slowness to my life and that it is okay to ENJOY the journey so to speak. For instance he always says “it’s not about the killing (insert your favorite animal to hunt), it’s about the hunt.” The time he spends with his friends each year in Colorado. Oh sure he LOVES to snag one for sure and he will share the story, probably more than once, but I know in his heart, it’s about the actual time spent there.
Vacations used to be more stressful and it was probably me who created the turmoil. Thinking we had to have a schedule and keep to it and so on. Although I do believe a “plan” is essential there needs to be room for flexibility. Otherwise I might miss that golden sunset or my daughter and her Dad enjoying a game or memory to etch in my mind. Now, that being said I still must have some sort of plan but I am more lax in it! Baby steps for sure!
But this post isn’t about my vacations, it’s about my journey and the act of waiting to know what my purpose is here on earth. To know that the next act is one that can be doable and if not learning from it will be character building.
While I wait to see what my next act is perhaps I need to take a few clues from Anna in Luke 2:36–38. This woman only had a partner for seven years, then lived the rest of her long long long life praying, fasting, and thanking God. As a widow she was alone but in reality she wasn’t. She had God, just as I do and you do.
My journey is happening right now. I need to stop rushing to the next accomplishment and look at what is around me right now. In prayer and quiet asking the Lord to show me what he would have me do now.
The key thing…… I need to WAIT.
Thanks for stopping by and it felt good to be inspired and write once again.
I can’t believe my eldest daughter is turning 30 this month. It’s not about me feeling old or worrying about how it reflects on me. It’s just so very odd to me how the time has passed by quite rapidly.
She was the first to make me a momma. The first to test my patience, give me messy kisses and warm hugs. The first to make me worry about ear infections, bumps on the head, and choices I was making as a mother. The first to challenge me and exceed my expectations. She was my “test run” as I like to say.
This is the gal that is most like me, I think, out of all my children but yet she brings her own flair to life.
Tashley forgives quicker, has more dramatic responses, and has a smile that is larger than life. Cooking is her delight and even though she doesn’t get enough praise for it, she takes care of her family pretty darn good! I’m one proud mom!
She’s a mother herself now, two daughters and a son.
There are times I relish in the witnessing of her being a Mom and other times I want to step in and say HEY STOP!
But that isn’t my job now. My job is to support, love, and allow her to take the motherhood journey as my Mom did me. Watching from the sidelines and praying for strength for her.
The bonus to having her be a mother is the fact that I get some awesome grand-kids outta the deal! 🙂 It’s a win-win for me!
Thirty years ago I could have taken a much different route. But honestly, I think I made the best choice. I would do it all over again if presented with the same circumstances. I would become a mother when I was really only a child myself and go through the heartache, the changes and challenges that life gave us.
Because in the end, all that really matters is the fact that this human existed and she was worth every second! Choosing her and being with her every day as her mother is what I was meant to do. Plain and simple.
Thirty years of watching a life transpire into a million different things and changing daily or even hourly. The opportunity to be Tashley’s mother wasn’t an easy one to start but knowing her has made my life much, much better. No matter the obstacle or joy, she has always been worth it.
Happy 30th birthday to my girl that was such a laid back baby, a little girl that played well, the tween/teen that had to have the last word, the young lady that found her way even without me, and the woman that through it all, STILL has that huge smile!
It’s now May which means that I need to update this series. It really is hard to believe we are in sunshine days with spring storms popping up all over verses winter darker months. I’m happy for the sunshine no doubt! Total mood enhancer! 🙂
There have been some changes since January, I started a new job in the industry I used to work for many years in. So that means adjustments to workout times, eating and some mental stress.
When April rolled around I found the 11,000 steps was putting more mental stress on me than I expected. The feeling of failure was outweighing the motivation mindset, so I made a decision. I decided to reduce my daily goal to 10,500 steps. It has been quite helpful and there are several days in the month I have more like 11,000 plus or even 12,000 steps. I am considering changing to a weekly total verses a daily goal. I think this might be beneficial to me, but I will need to keep that rolling total in front of me. That is where my Garmin app will come in quite handy! 🙂
Since January I have lost 3.6 pounds with no real change in inches. I am under 200 which is what I really wanted to get to and remain away from it. Although I am not far from that number I still feel proud of the loss in weight I have had. As of today I have lost a total of 16 pounds since January 2017.
I started strong in January with workouts and logging my food, that is where I lost most of that weight loss. Even though I may not have eaten the best or stayed in my carb range, it was still beneficial to me. I can see that now that I have strayed from that routine. I also learned that drinking lots of water, especially before I get my coffee in the morning is a huge benefit!
Most of that blog post was written before May 6, 2018. At which point I found myself with an injured foot that kept me from walking my normal routine and some depression setting in. I am seeking care for my foot and my hip. I have rested the foot for a week or more. It is better but still not good enough to walk the way I was. Honestly my eating sucked during this period, but I am trying now to rectify that. My blood sugar numbers are still pretty good and my app says my AC1 should be in the range of 5.9. I still struggle with the number I have after my evening meal. There are other exercises I could be doing (strength training and bike riding) but I did not because the depression won out. I am taking it one day at a time.
I want to be sure to be honest here so I wanted to be sure to share that last paragraph. Sometimes the bad wins out. It’s whether we allow ourselves to stay there that is the real problem. I’m working my way out on my terms. But know that I am a strong woman and can get back on track! I have very good reasons to. A 10 year old daughter at home, adult children that still need me, and some pretty super grandkids to name a few!
As of today, my foot has improved even more which makes me happy! Come June 1st I hope to be back at my working out as I like to be! I did jump on my bike a couple times this week! (May 21st)
My body is failing me (again). At least that’s how it feels.
See, I’ve injured my foot so walking for long periods or at a higher rate of intensity only injures it more. But if I rest/sit too long my bad hip will become quite painful.
It seems to me there’s a connection between things. One thing depending on the other in some form or way.
I need to walk/exercise to keep my mental state and diabetes in control. Not to mention my hip from aching. But yet I have to sit to rest my foot, not to mention at the job I hold, I sit at a desk entering data to provide for my family financially.
My feet have to carry me in my daily journeys. One being to that job and one to workouts, all while carrying a substantial amount of weight. My poor feet, no wonder one gave out! 🙂
One depending on another. One needing to partner with the other to be successful. When one is not functioning, the others can lack in their abilities.
I’m a thinker, so my mind questions. Where do I find the balance without feeling depleted or that I’ve failed something? Where do I find the strength to continue putting forth the effort without feeling overwhelmed? Where do I find healing and support in the midst of uncertainty?
It’s hard for me not to get angry at my body, but in reality I spent many years not caring for it in the manner that I should have. (I still don’t 100%.) I didn’t do my part to create a balance for my well being.
A few years ago
Jan 2017 and Jan 2018
I know it could be so much worse and I’m not writing this for empathy or accolades. I’m just a gal processing through words and throwing it up on social media in hopes it will help someone else.
See, I can take all that I just wrote and although I’m speaking of my health, I could apply it to other parts of my life as well.
Relationships. Religion. Occupations. Goals. Dreams. Food intake. Life choices. You get the picture.
Ponder that for a moment with me. Look at how we are connected to more than ONE thing. Also how those connections are what creates a balance or lack of in our lives.
From the “always thinking writer with the bad left side,” I want to end with this.
If it is healing you need, may you find it. If it’s a partner you seek, may you fall in line with a dependable one. If it’s a new occupation or calorie counting app may it guide you to connections to continue forth.
Whatever connection you are needing, I hope you find it with little pain and much joy.
Yesterday was kinda bittersweet for me. I found myself waking in a type of funky mood, which is probably why I was so sentimental when I was with the newest member of our family.
I am lucky to say that I have a new granddaughter. She is so sweet and is my fifth grandchild, and even though she is number five I find her just as delightful as all the others – already!
When a pivotal moment happens in our family now, in the back of my mind (and heart) there is a little tug of sadness. Sadness because my mom is missing it.
Mom would have loved having a new great-grandchild. I know just what she would have done the first time she met her. She would have gotten her loud voice and excited reaching for her! Then she would have taken the baby’s blanket off and also the sleeper. Because she always inspected their toes and feet and little hands! 🙂
That little one and her momma joined me for lunch. As we headed out we decided to go to a local deli. When my Mom was alive and we would do lunch together, we always went to this deli. It was one of her favorite places to eat, so you can see why it was a sentimental kinda day now. I just kept thinking of her through lunch and looking at our little bundle of joy. I loved spending time with my daughter, just us three.
After lunch I decided since it was on my way to the store I would just swing by my mother’s grave. I do not visit it very often because I know she isn’t really there. It’s just a body in the ground for now. I put flowers on it occasionally and when I arrived there were not any. That was kind of surprise but it has been pretty windy this past few months, my guess is they are in the next state! Honestly, I think the main reason I put them there is because my mother would expect me too. 🙂 She loved gardening and flowers, so the next best thing is artificial ones, right? So I made a mental note to pick some up.
I normally don’t stay long and I’m not one of those people who goes to the grave to talk to the deceased. It’s just not for me and don’t judge others that do. Today I felt an urge to stay longer than usual. I looked over her plot, they had placed new dirt I could tell. I assume it had sunk in since 2015, which for some reason kinda rattled me a bit.
As I sat there, yes I actually sat down today, not my normal routine, I found myself inspecting the headstone she purchased when my step-dad passed away. I giggled to myself, it is big and very pretty but really more than ever needed (I think.) I do like the fact that she put their photograph on it. I like that a great deal actually. One thing I don’t care for is the fact that she didn’t list that she was a mother. But it was her headstone and Mom always did what she wanted anyway, so it’s no surprise. 🙂
A few tears fell this day and my heart-felt a little torn missing her. Mom wasn’t in the next generation photograph with the newest member like she was with the oldest granddaughter of ours. That photo is now a precious gift.
This day was one with mixed emotions I still feel good about several things in it. I’m lucky because I know the love of my mother, my daughter, and now my granddaughter. I know the things that were instilled in me from my mother have been passed down to my daughter and now her little girl will also know them.
My mother was right, there is just something about being a grandparent that changes your world and your perspective, even with number five! 🙂
My mother has 10 grandchildren and currently 12 great-grandchildren with another on the way! And a few of the grandchildren have not started families yet and that doesn’t count the grandchildren- in laws! 🙂 Life was full at her house whenever we gathered, that is for sure!
I hope as my children and grandchildren grow up they know how very important they are to me. I hope they also have good memories and ties to my generation once I am gone from this earth. I hope they have bittersweet days after I am gone, because if that is the case, I know I have done right by them.
Writtern on April 1, 2018 Easter and April Fool’s Day
When you feel no more can be withstood.
Many people are rejoicing today and pulling pranks on their friends. The first I speak of are Christians for it’s Easter and Jesus has risen! The second folk are enjoying April Fool’s Day. Perhaps you are a combination of both. For me today is a day of attending church service and an Easter supper with my children, I’m not much of a prankster. Knowing my personality, if one did an xray my funny bone would be quite small.
For me today is a bout of less than stellar emotions. So much to rejoice about yet I can’t knock myself out of this funk. I know what led me to the depressive emotions, but unable to write about it here or even if I did I know it would make no difference in reality.
Oh don’t worry, I won’t show the downer state at the church service or even at my family gathering. The nice clothes for church and the smile will appear, even the Happy Easter acolade will slip from my mouth. I will be happy for the others, my children around my dinner table, and grandchildren finding Easter eggs will bring me joy. Then all will go home, the dim state will creep back in, and I will have to figure out how to push through.
Because that is what I do. I push through, my mother taught me that without even saying the words. Her example was to bulldoze the challenge ahead of her and never let it win. Eventually the body gave out and the challenge won. It was probably for the best, she was tired I know, her fight was less than it was back in the day. Is that how it will be for me? Feeling like I am fighting for a life I want but can’t seem to quite grasp it? Is this really all my own fault, self-inflicted? I presume some will say yes, some will relate, and some will just scroll through to the next blog post that catches their eye.
I’m feeling tired already to be honest. Everything seems to be a challenge and if I don’t reach the right level each day I then fall to the state of feeling that of a failure. I suppose it’s the adjusting period, with the new schedule from the job, my workouts not being when they were, and change isn’t my real strong suit.
Oh there I go, I let you in on just a tad of what the reasons may be. I always have been kind of an open book. I mean, why else would I have a blog sharing words from my mind, heart, and soul.
Although of late I have seriously considered closing both blogs down. Giving up on something I once loved to do to make room for something else in the schedule. Why does everything have to feel so hard to accomplish? I don’t handle it as well as I used to ya know.
Does this blog post even intertwine and make sense? Perhaps only in my mind. Basically it’s a moment in my life that I may not even recall six months from now. I may not even give it a second thought next April 1st. But in the reality of it all where to do I go from here? What choices do I have before me that I can look at and not feel so overwhelmed? Marking off my lists, conquering my challenge, stuffing the defeated self away until another cloudy day comes along. That’s how it goes.
It’s April 11th and I am just now revisiting this post. To be honest, I am very happy with my writing in this post. I feel honest and that it is well written. I had planned to revisit it sooner and share it. But today is the day because there really isn’t much else to write about it except this.
The bouts of depression appear, they always do. The stresses of life exist. The joy filled moments take my breath away and the photographs I take remind me of happier times. Reality exists and without any of this my life would be incomplete I presume.
When I left my job as an insurance agent I walked away feeling like a failure. I felt that but didn’t speak about it too often. I did state to my husband after some time of departing that I didn’t think I ever wanted to go back to the insurance industry. (Yes I kept my license but I didn’t actively sell or work in the industry) This was the industry that I spent the majority of my adult life (25 to 44) in as a profession, so making that statement was pretty substantial.
The journey I was on after leaving included various things. Like both my parent’s deaths, becoming a stay at home mother which was always a dream of mine, becoming a grandmother again, being diagnosed with Diabetes, re-entering into the workforce part time and so forth.
My husband is a farmer and life has dealt us some circumstances out of our control that in 2016 I had to go back to work part time. I did what I had to do and it was an enjoyable and honestly pretty easy job.
When we pray with our daughter at night I always say the following, especially in the last year.“Thank you for the opportunities given to us to provide for our family.”
I think of my mother when I need to pull strength in times of struggle, especially when it’s something I do not necessarily want to do. Life has granted me another opportunity to help care for my family. I am grateful, the journey now, I am coming to terms with and even feeling excited at times about it!
Next week I will be re-entering the industry I said I didn’t think I would ever want to be in again. God has presented an opportunity to provide for my family, yet allow me to still be at home some with our daughter part time. Honestly it wasn’t easy for me to accept this opportunity. Mostly because I don’t trust myself as much as I did at one time in my life. The emotions of failure have been on my mind in the past few weeks.
For me every change is one that I must process and go through certain emotions to get to the other side. That place of “okay.” I’m 47 years old and in just 4 years that I’ve been more at home I’ve learned so much about myself. Also that I’ve accepted about myself.
There are things I’m afraid of and there are things I am excited about. There are doubts and there are surprise interests. There are moments of gratitude and moments of “it’s not fair attitude.” I am human.
I am who I am and although I feel less confident than I did long ago when I held a different insurance office position I will give this new occupation in an old industry my best. That’s where my mother comes into play, she taught me well in regards to work ethic.
I was once told that both a positive and negative of me was that I strive for perfection. When interviewed for the new position I told the four men I was sitting with this very thing. I’m not sure if it made a difference to them but it did to me.
I can’t think of this statement without thinking of the man that made it to me in 2013. I’m grateful for the opportunity he gave me and also because he helped me realize something about myself. The new path I am on will obviously teach me new things, although in an industry I’m familiar with. You’re never too old to learn, isn’t that what they say?
I’ve used photos of myself throughout this post. I wanted to document my physical appearance for myself. The journey I was on took me through very stressful times and the physical changes are apparent to all of you probably. But the mental and inside changes may not be so apparent (unless you actually know me personally.) I know them though. Some of them were hard to deal with others were joys. All in all, I am who I am. I will move forward to strive for perhaps less perfection and more kindness. I pray for patience and kindness from others in the days ahead, I’m pretty sure it will all work out just fine. Life tends to do that. 🙂 I am a stronger, smarter, and even simpler woman than I was four years ago.
Whenever the following phrase “widow maker” is used, whether it be in a television show, conversation with others, or online somewhere, the hair on the back of neck instantly stands up.
The back story about that phrase will take us to the time my mother, rest her soul, was in the hospital in 2015. I’ve written of her prior because writing through my grief was incredibly helpful. You can search my blog (home page, right side, enter mother or grief) to find various posts. I have sprinkled a few throughout this post as well.
I can see and hear the surgeon that worked on my mother the night she survived just that.
A widow maker.
Our family was in a cozy, which really means small waiting room, it was darker than I think it should have been. But it was late into the night. While I sat across from the doctor, I had full view of his scrubs and younger than I anticipated face, all while I tried to focus through the fear I had. As I mention, he stated she survived a widow maker and wasn’t sure how because people do not do that.
At that time I didn’t know what exactly the widow maker meant or how it would come to correlate with the woman I watched in the ER earlier that night, it all came to to me later.
The image of my mother in the ER earlier that night is stuck in a compartment in my memories. It only comes out when allowed and it’s not what I dwell on when I think of her. But it is part of the memory of her. It hurts to think back at my mother enduring pain like no other. Fighting to breathe. Fight to live. So much pain that she wasn’t understandable when she spoke. My mother was enduring a widow maker for longer than she should have and still came out of surgery alive.
Alive yet not in the same manner that we knew her. When we were finally able to see her the image took my breath away and the sight is another etching in that compartment I mentioned. Her strength was dwindling and remembering back the images from that night and the next few days come together as a story.
This is probably a good time for me to tell you why I’m writing this post. Because I was inspired by a stupid television drama that everyone is raving about. Yes I watch it, I did Sunday night, and as the doctor said widow maker, my husband’s head instantly jerked to look at me. It always does because he witnessed my mother’s journey while sitting next to me. Another reason is that the very next morning the Today show shared in my Facebook newsfeed this article about cardiac arrest & This Is Us.
By the way, I didn’t cry one tear during that show. It was the dumb commercial after about a family moving into a house and there were markings on the wall where kids had been measured that made me tear up. Why? Because my mom used to measure ALL her grandchildren in her kitchen.
I know that This is Us and the Today Show are marketing for various reasons but the main one I like to think is Heart Health. Call me naive! But I’m going with that one!
I am rounding out the story with this. My mother was a strong, even in the end. There were things in her life that she had no control over that harmed her heart but there were many choices she made that did harm her heart.
Watching a parent or anyone die is a difficult thing to do. I don’t regret being by her side or with my siblings through it. But it also makes me realize I have work to do in my own life. Even though I started a healthier lifestyle a year ago, I have very far to go, and a great deal to apply to my life. I have no idea the circumstances of when or how I will die. What I do know is the choices I make today will impact the next generation, my children.
My mother (and father) ran their hearts far longer than they should have. Today I want to bring awareness to you about heart health, the love of family, the journey that gets us to the end.
Now. It’s up to you what you do next. Choice is the one thing we have in our power. Let me give you some ideas.
Choose to try.
Choose to move.
Choose to stop smoking.
Choose to eat better.
Choose to love others.
Choose to educate yourself.
Choose to push the obstacles aside.
Choose to smile.
Choose to get help.
Choose to kick your own butt today!
Choose to be better.
Choose to lend a hand.
Choose to extend care.
Choose to motivate another.
What do you choose to do today?
Thanks for stopping by!
I was not paid to write any of this.
If you like the post and think heart health is important share it on social media to bring awareness.
One of the best tools I took away last year from learning about changing a lifestyle is the following.
Write out your goals and then write out the plan to get there.
If I can give one bit of advice that is what I would give. I took a spiral notebook and it ended up being my pal for the past year.
I am normally a very “neat” person when it comes to logging and even writing out my grocery list. I like to start with a clean crisp piece of paper, lines always too. But as the year went on it wasn’t important to see straight lines and logging columns. To me it was seeing progress and the ability to revisit my goals and my plan. Although I lost my way a few times I am now content with the result I ended with in 2017. I’ve come to terms I did some great accomplishments for myself and my family.
But it is not time to stop. It is time to “up my game” and make yet another commitment to making the vessel God gave me stronger. So, now I will share my goals and my plan for 2018.
My hope is to find the inner strength to move forward and remember that baby steps CAN make a huge difference. That when I am feeling overwhelmed and upset as I was last week that there is still hope and a fire deep inside me. Like I’ve said before, no one can make me do this, only me. Which means that no one can stop me from doing this either!
Disclaimer – I have already begun some of the items in my plan. I am going on a girl’s trip this weekend, I’m sure I will indulge at some point. But I do have a plan in my head and a commitment to workout both days.
Current levels (just for fun!)
10,000 steps most days (January so far, only 1 days with less than 10K)
45 minute workout per day
Eating out – since starting 2018 have ate out less than previous months
Motivate/Inspire others, #keep movin group, brother and cousin too
Meals: half a plate of veggies at dinner
oatmeal or cream of wheat w/banana for breakfast most days
Thank you to everyone that has supported me in 2017. It really did help to have others with me. Even if you only commented on my social media posts or complimented how I looked. Encouraging others is a great way to make life better. So from my heart, thank you.
Well I think that about does it for this post. It’s time to get up from this computer and move! Thanks for swinging by!