It’s a year later and although there are many things still the same, there are changes. Primarily within me I think and it’s a continuous journey. I want to share the thoughts, changes, and what the future looks like from my view today.
My life as a working outside the home woman changed a year ago. I left behind a life of what I thought at the time more stressful, risky business, and more time away from home than I liked. It was also a place of security, although not as much as it was the 17 years prior.
I feel that God moved me into the agent position as part of a transition into this new position as part of his plan for me. HE knew I would never just walk away from a secure, good paying job I was pretty good at. He placed me in a position that made me feel out of comfort, happiness at times, proud and miserable all at once. It wasn’t about the actual position, it was who I am and who HE made me to be.
I stepped into a new position August 2014 of being a stay at home farm mom and wife. I had some training at it, but never full-time. Although one might think it’s an easy position it brings about new lessons that one only knows if they are living it.
At the beginning I was taken away from my family time due to my father’s illness before his death. I believe this was another of God’s plans and I have no regrets in the days I spent away. Once things settled down a routine began for our family.
The routine included our one daughter still at home attending school and my days being mostly alone. My thoughts went back and forth feeling guilt for not working and how to fill my days. She was six and did a mother really need to be home full-time, but I wanted to be. I felt my physical and mental self-needed a break. So I took it.
Various feelings made their appearance depending on the day and they still sneak in on occasion a year later. The ones of how to pay the bills with less money, dealing with changes in our farming operation, learning to still socialize with the outside world, focus on my God, and more activities with the six-year-old to name a few.
Through the year, adjustments were made in my marriage, my mothering, and my life. It’s taken a year to feel a normal routine and the summer has been one of the best ones of my entire life. There were some pretty harsh moments but spending the days with our daughter and even helping my husband was worth those moments.
School will begin in a couple of weeks and I am wondering how I will do with my helper away all day. I have various things in motion to fill my time, and I need to get moving more to care for me. Taking time to step away from the computer and embroidery and walk for better mental and physical health.
One of the major things that has been upon my mind lately is how I no longer intermingle with adults much. How I feel when I am presented with opportunities for interactions is sometimes hard for me. I was never a real extrovert but was fine in my work environment and most situations. I find it interesting that anything associated with my church I feel comfortable with yet other things I struggle a great deal. Introvert? Losing my social skills? Nothing or something? This will be another balance to find in my life. Another process and much time in prayer for guidance.
I have to admit, I’m afraid to write this next paragraph. That I might jinx it but I must admit it for others should know. God has provided for our family. HE has presented opportunities for my spouse to work outside the farm to replace income no longer there. God has shown me/us what is valuable in this world and what is not. God has created a path that I am not as afraid to take as I was before. On the days I am in fear, I know WHO is the only ONE that I can rely on in truth. He’s also available 24 hours a day which is good for me! GOD.
This change in my life after so long, in my 40’s, could have come along for any sort of reason. To bring me closer to God, raise a child better, support my husband more, know more about farming, do more church work, find who I am really intended to be, or just leave behind the insurance business, no matter the reason, I find myself grateful a year later.
Grace is a gift,