I’m not really coming back from my break, I just really needed to write. I wanted to share this in hopes that I could work through what lies within my mind and heart. It was a year ago that Grasping a new turn in the journey made its way to this blog. This particular post and my Dad was on my mind most of yesterday.
The image that is mentioned in the 4th paragraph is what was on my mind yesterday. I recall it was a Friday, the day I thought a new routine would begin for my life. The day my Dad held my hand and I cried silent tears as he did. The sadness of never getting to make him ice cream or a meal one last time makes me sad now. That I can not serve him any longer even makes my heart ache.
The anniversary of his death is coming. The things I recall are the days leading up to it. The goodbye on that day in his house, thinking I would be back the following Tuesday. Where I was standing when I got the call he was going to the hospital the next night. The inner panic and exterior calmness when figuring out the plan for the late night trip to Pratt. Walking into the ER and him not being very happy with us being called. My love being expressed to him after that in a manner that I would be angry if I wasn’t called. The dismal display of the room when my sister and I were helping to check him into a room. His hope to not have to go back to Wichita hospitals and our longing that he would for better care. Spending the next morning with him alone. Saying “goodbye, I’ll see you later in Wichita.” All the while not knowing that would be the last words I say to him and the last kiss.
Those are the things on my mind and heart today and probably the next few. Sometimes I feel alone in this grieving process. I know I am not but I still feel that way.
Grace is a gift,