One of the repercussions of being raised by two “tough” and”strong” individuals is that when a tribulation arrives in one’s life and you feel weak for feeling alone in it, too quickly the guilt seeps in.
There are moments or days when my emotions seem to get the best of me regarding the latest loss in my life. Then shortly after it begins, I find myself thinking “mother would hurt but she wouldn’t necessarily show it.” That’s the guilt. I feel alone yet torn because I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. Sometimes this task is so very difficult for me.
My parents were not heartless, they were just strong because of the things that occurred in their lives before I ever arrived. Then there were the things after their fourth child arrived that created the hardened exterior that was their armor in daily living.
Like most children, my parents hurt me periodically. As I’ve mentioned before it wasn’t a Norman Rockwell kinda life. I have always felt that our parenting is generational and comes from things that were taught to us or seen by us while growing up. Some of us, make a conscious effort to change those “less than stellar” qualities when we are granted children of our own. Unfortunately, in my parent’s generation this wasn’t as common as it might be today. Although, later in life my Dad seemed to reflect, as a lot of us do and apologize for his actions. And Mother treated her grandchildren with love and dedication and it wasn’t just a “grandparent’s right”. I’m glad she was able to enjoy her grandchildren and see her children grow into who they became.
Some people may think this is a parenting bashing post and very disrespectful of the upbringing that my parents provided me. Don’t get me wrong, my parents provided us with food, shelter, and taught me to be strong. Which being strong has come into good use a lot in my own life! They loved me how they knew best just as I do with my own children today.
As an adult that has lost both her parents now, I can appreciate what they did provide for me. I can be grateful in the the gifts that were given, whether in a soft manner or slightly rough one.
Grace is a gift,