Written prior to today.
A few of our recent family outings have reminded me of how my lifestyle not only hinders my ability to enjoy things but my families as well.
I begin this post with that statement because on a recent trip where physical endurance was needed I struggled a great deal. I struggled to the point of tears behind the sunglasses and the feeling of failure on my mind. All while being surrounded by many and in a beautiful setting.
Sure, I made it back to the top of that 3/4 mile steep dirt path but there were several stops and a lot of emotion. Some would say, “you made it” or “the water fall was worth it or stop being negative”. But you know, today, it’s just hard. Almost too hard and loneliness is mixed into the realm of things.
Some days bring an emotional hardship and some bring physical. Finding a balance is difficult when dealing with depression and lack of will power. Yes there are days of goodness and solitude as well.
The part of that first statement about my mental and physical status affecting my family is what I want to address now. I see the way my negative thoughts that shoot from my mouth make their way to my daughter’s ears. When I’m not leading my daughter to be physically or mentally healthy she plays it out in front of me. Keeping my husband and family from enjoying events due to my in-abilities isn’t fun for them either.
I was thinking back to when things started to falter in this shell of a person God created. The events leading up to this day. The changes from two or three years back made their way to my thoughts on this warm afternoon.
It makes me uncomfortable to think of those things and even more so because I have not been stronger. The fact that I have gotten to the weight I have, my depression isn’t kept at bay, and the realms of my daily life boggle me at times.
This creation of me, it isn’t at it’s best. I’m not sure when it will reach a better place while on earth. I can’t promise I will try today or tomorrow but I will try again. I will walk the path and continue to find my way.
My hope is to reach a point of health and presence and balance.
Grace is a gift,