My word for 2017 is Focus. I have already started a sub-list of things as you can see.
- on living
- on the joy in the moments
- on my health
- on the little things
- on the laughter in my life
- on the small steps
- on the love given to me
When I came back today to this post this is the spot where I deleted what I had written. The words that had been so carefully crafted the other day, were no longer good enough to share.
Now I will tell you that after a couple conversations with my spouse I am stumbling into an avenue that I’m not too confident about. It will take a great deal of focus for sure. As I sat in the vehicle having one of those conversations I finally just said it out-loud.
“I feel like I just want to focus on me. That if I don’t take this time to focus on me I won’t get back to who me is.” Of course the smart man said, “it’s okay to do that.” With which I replied, “but I’m not a selfish person, I take care of others.” (I am not a saint, it’s just a personality trait. I’m a caretaker)
That’s it. I’m back peddling – already. Focusing on me brings about feelings of guilt and selfishness. The left side of my brain says one thing the right side says another, then throw in that heart-thing. Deep down I know I have to do this. I have to do it to be able to survive with any ounce of happiness and enjoyment in life. This isn’t just about depression there’s more but I’m not ready to share that.
Just need to remember. Small steps Julie. No major changes, just minor. Crawl out of the darkness even if it’s just that. Crawling. When you feel tired and weak, grasp to the man that God gave you. It’s okay to not jump in going 100 miles an hour. It’s okay to admit when it’s hard.
So…. now that I’ve given myself a pep talk I’m off to slay this thing!
More to come from me I’m sure, whenever I might get the whim to write!