I wrote this piece not this week but prior. Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well. In fact, the last few days have been good. Writing allows me to process and move forward. Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.
I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have. I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.
The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.
Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence. The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems. I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.” I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now. There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again. Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.
As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around! Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!” But in reality I’m not. I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.
I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment. It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward. I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace. And it’s driving me nuts!
I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away. The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life. I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of handling things. Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.
I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”. Well this time I’m not. I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.
One. One positive thing a day. I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts. I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good. Where will that lead me?