This post was held for publishing until I was over the six month mark of my health journey. I had to feel mostly confident and positive progress before sharing. In my life, too many times, I’ve started something only to feel I failed. This time needed to be different and so far it is. Six months was goal number one.
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Those minor changes I mentioned in my 2017 word post began on January 3rd, but reality hit when I received the call about my A1C number in December. (Diabetes) The reality of trying to fill my pain, grief, sadness, anger and lack of confidence with food (and sedentary actions) has brought about a not so lovable thing. Hold tight… more on that in a moment.
Those conversations I mentioned before in this post, well they were not life changing but they changed me enough to feel free. It felt as though someone was finally listening to me and although in a quiet manner the results helped me take a baby step towards feeling less alone. That tiny bit of support where I felt I could say out loud feelings I had felt ashamed of having , actually enabled me.
So now I will share with you in hopes that if you ever find yourself in a similar situation you know you aren’t alone.
But first a few things I need to get out.
- I don’t completely understand why I was so affected by the death of my parents. Why it knocked me so far down.
- It’s not like I was super close to either of them or saw them all the time. It’s not like I grew up in a cozy happy situation.
- Okay, I do know one reason. It’s because I’m out of time.
- Out of time to ask those questions. Ask the questions that make people uncomfortable and aren’t pretty. The ones that could give me answers or explain why things happened to me. Silence can be a killer in itself I think sometimes.
- I loved them.
- No matter what happened in life, I loved them. They were the parents that created me.
- Why didn’t they take better care of themselves?
- Who am I to talk, look where I am now.
That freeing I spoke of earlier, it came when I said out loud, to my spouse, the part about time running out to ask the questions. That was a turning point for me.
All those words you just read were written a few month ago, but they still resonate with me. They still bring forward to my mind that the path I am now on is one that is really important. I’ve held off blogging about this part of my life for fear of failure, and afraid those that see me often will watch my plate each time I fill it. (like they have nothing else to do, right?)
I’m ready to share now. Maybe it’s because I’ve met with my Diabetes Educator a few times. Actually, it’s because I feel more in control then I have in a few years. Whatever the reason I’m not going to force myself to journal but I will write when necessary about DOWN WITH THE D. In hopes that it will help others and yes even keep me on track for life.
Down with the D Series # 2 – 5 will be published soon. Subscribe so you can read the next step in the series as at this moment I don’ t feel comfortable sharing on my personal social media pages.