I realized yesterday morning that Down with the D could mean a couple things. Diabetes or depression. Both are in my life.
We traveled for our vacation to an area that enabled me to exercise daily, feel relaxed, and eat somewhat healthy. We cooked most of our own meals. I still got on the scale after returning and have decided I need a new scale.
I was motivated quite a bit before leaving for vacation and was determined to keep working towards my daily goals even while away from home. I was successful and have been reaching my 10,000 step goal all but about one day a week.
Upon leaving beautiful Arkansas and heading towards one more stop before coming to rest at home I could feel anxiety entering my body. The anxiety led to feeling in a funk and Monday I have felt quite “off” all day. I do think some of it is from my blood sugars being consistantly on the lower side. I need to find that balance again, so I feel good most all the time.
Tuesday morning brought more clarity but I am still feeling anxious at some moments. The walk I took this morning has brought me more than 5000 steps and clearer mind. Support from a new person came my way and I am utilizing it.
The battle of diabetes is one I am focusing on but the depression still shows up to the party on occasion. It makes it’s prescense not necessarily by sad faces or tear. It carries the blame when snappy answers blurt from my mouth or the urge to scream erupts within me. The expression of depression doesn’t take one route. It is kind and spreads itself in many forms.
I have to admit it was probably a positive to get out with other people last night. To listen to little kids singing and feeling a loof myself. Perhaps that is what helped me to visit with my husband in a casual manner last night or to awaken this morning so much easier.
Coming off the high of being somewhere you truly enjoyed and pulling this thing called life out of time-out so to speak is hard. Getting away can give one perspective on many levels and I think this trip did that for me. The opportunity to realize, alittle more clearer, what I want out of this life I am living.
In May I didn’t track my food as well and to this day I am not logging it. I’m depending on my mind. The physical picture of what my plate should look like and the size of my snacks. Including this with thinking about how my body feels is my go to. Remembering how I feel if I eat too many carbs in the next couple hours I keep near as well. I still eat carbs and not always “good” ones but I’m confident in my abilities to judge my choices.
I think what made me get back on track is being put in a physically working environment. Our Kansas wheat harvest arrived around June 10th and my job was not in a cushy air-conditioned cab. It was weighing grain trucks in the humid, hot Kansas sun. Weighing the trucks meant shoveling and sweeping grain into a pit. So it wasn’t just sitting around. It kept my mind and body busy. I wasn’t as hungry either, a little went a long way for me.
The work gave me the change and push to get back to moving more. I am now walking and doing some challenges on my Samsung Health to motivate me. I’m still sending my Snaps to my pals for support and moving forward. It’s not been a perfect journey but it’s my journey. I’m proud of where I am today but would like to move forward to better my health.
My sleep isn’t great but I just do what I can. Most days I don’t allow myself to sit at the computer or sewing machine too long. A 15 minute walk can give someone a great deal of steps. I’m still not at 10,000 most days but if I reach 8000 I’m happy. I can do this and it’s not for a temporary time. Accepting who I am, what I am doing, and where I am going is the game plan. Also having confidence in myself, that’s still a work in progress! 🙂
Down with the D #5 I will share in a couple days. It will include my results from my six month checkup and how I am dealing with that.
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I was almost too scared to write the title of this post. As if to jinx the time of my life I am in.
The past 2-3 years have been rough but for a few moments each day I can see the sunshine. I can feel the calm within and if I shut my eyes, I breathe a little easier. I can laugh with my husband and welcome a hug from him. I can raise my head off the pillow and although a tad groggy, I feel better than I have in a long while.
This comes after making my declaration of spending 2017 focusing on me. Taking a year to find a better me both mentally and physically. Being so depleted it is hard to rise from the ashes but I vowed to go slow at it. Less than 30 days in I might still be on the “new life” high, who knows! Let’s go with it, it feels pretty good!
I will admit I’ve had my days where tears have won out and irritability spawned horrible tones and words from my mouth. Then the days of wanting to quit or just give up showed their nasty faces too.
But so far the days, or at least the majority of the past days have been enjoyable. That my friends is a good thing. Baby steps. Very baby steps.
I do not blame the place I ended up on any one thing really. A collection of occurences brought me to a place that wasn’t pretty. Apologies are owed to others while also to myself. Appreciation for the tragic moments that build character within me is required. Stopping the moments of this life from slipping away as they rapidly do is needed. Savoring the time I have with my family, opening my heart once again to showing kindness to others, and just letting sunshine fall across my face is in my future. Perhaps not tomorrow, but it’s coming, I can feel it.
So, when the sun comes up today, I will put both feet in front of me, eat a hearty breakfast to start my day and smile. Come on, try it with me won’t you? 🙂
My word for 2017 is Focus. I have already started a sub-list of things as you can see.
on the joy in the moments
on my health
on the little things
on the laughter in my life
on the small steps
on the love given to me
When I came back today to this post this is the spot where I deleted what I had written. The words that had been so carefully crafted the other day, were no longer good enough to share.
Now I will tell you that after a couple conversations with my spouse I am stumbling into an avenue that I’m not too confident about. It will take a great deal of focus for sure. As I sat in the vehicle having one of those conversations I finally just said it out-loud.
“I feel like I just want to focus on me. That if I don’t take this time to focus on me I won’t get back to who me is.” Of course the smart man said, “it’s okay to do that.” With which I replied, “but I’m not a selfish person, I take care of others.” (I am not a saint, it’s just a personality trait. I’m a caretaker)
That’s it. I’m back peddling – already. Focusing on me brings about feelings of guilt and selfishness. The left side of my brain says one thing the right side says another, then throw in that heart-thing. Deep down I know I have to do this. I have to do it to be able to survive with any ounce of happiness and enjoyment in life. This isn’t just about depression there’s more but I’m not ready to share that.
Just need to remember. Small steps Julie. No major changes, just minor. Crawl out of the darkness even if it’s just that. Crawling. When you feel tired and weak, grasp to the man that God gave you. It’s okay to not jump in going 100 miles an hour. It’s okay to admit when it’s hard.
So…. now that I’ve given myself a pep talk I’m off to slay this thing!
More to come from me I’m sure, whenever I might get the whim to write!