I wrote this piece not this week but prior. Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well. In fact, the last few days have been good. Writing allows me to process and move forward. Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.
I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have. I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.
The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.
Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence. The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems. I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.” I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now. There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again. Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.
As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around! Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!” But in reality I’m not. I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.
I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment. It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward. I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace. And it’s driving me nuts!
I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away. The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life. I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of handling things. Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.
I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”. Well this time I’m not. I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.
One. One positive thing a day. I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts. I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good. Where will that lead me?
“Mom, you don’t dance in the kitchen any more.”
My youngest daughter said those words to me recently.
Her words were profound.
She’s right. I don’t. Hearing these words brought a sense of sadness over me. Which were followed by feelings of being overwhelmed and out of kilter. How did I get to this place?
I’ve swerved in and out of this journey with a dark cloud that continues to hover over me. From my best estimates, this cloud was teeny-tiny about 3 years ago. Just a newborn and then quickly began to grow.
With each moment of anxiety, nervousness, and feeling as though I was failing, that small cloud turned into a massive one with the death of my two parents. There were moments of sunshine that blocked the darkness temporarily but as the days passed by the darkness began to win out.
Now three years later I am in the midst of something I know needs changed. I awake daily feeling either frustrated, over whelmed or sad. I look in the mirror and am unsure of who I am. Not to mention I faintly remember that gal that danced in the kitchen.
So many factors go into this equation that has brought me to this point in my life. I’m approaching my 46th birthday and know there are decisions to be made. Life changes and willpower are needed; yet I’m struggling to find a starting point.
It’s there. I know it is. Deep down inside this dark clouded mind and sedentary body it sleeps. The one thing that will bring me back to the gal that dances in the kitchen and smiles more often.
Today I spent the morning sifting through all the stuff I purged from my attic a couple of weeks ago. I’ve decided I will be donating a large amount, sold a tad online, and trashing other stuff. Only 3 boxes went back up in the attic and a few items I totally forgot about came into our home.
My husband was gone running errands this morning and so I was on my own in sifting through the array of items. There was anything and everything! Craft stuff, kitchen stuff, books, home decor, magazines, clothing, toys, and so forth. You get the idea!
I came across what seemed to me quite a few items I thought “I had to have” at the time of purchase. Only to find them now tucked away in a box and not touched for at least four years. Pretty sad. I have come to realize I am one of those people who spent a great deal of money on material items to fill the gap within me. I won’t say I never do that now but I have changed quite a bit. Especially in the past nine months.
As my husband made his way into our garage this is what I said to him. I’m sorry for spending so much money on stuff I thought I needed but didn’t. All while trying to fill what was missing in me. He hugged me. I never bought expensive purses or designer clothes or shoes, but I would buy a lot of little things along the way.
So today I found myself apologizing to my spouse, realizing how far I’ve come, and that it’s ok to live simpler. I still shop and buy nice things, I just ask myself a question prior to purchase.
With each new day at home I find I need less. Having food on our table, money to pay the bills, and quality time with my family is what fills me now. I’m grateful for the spouse I have and the children that understand the changes within me. I pray that it continues for the rest of my life.
Grace is a gift,