I slept well last night. Maybe to prepare me for today. I don’t know but I liked it.
My anxiety is heightened. I noticed it pretty quickly this morning.
The dog barking only once. Shrill ran up my neck.
The sudden awareness that my husband & child had left and I was alone in the house.
On the drive to work my struggle was real to contain my perspective. Switching the songs more times than needed on the radio.
Continuing to use my peripheral vision on the guy & his dog at the park.
Anxiety and depression are partners. They walk hand in hand. When one stops the other can easily pickup where his pal left off.
That’s how it is for me at least.
Let’s go back to the car ride to work.
Country music reminds me of my Dad. It was on the radio.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of his death. Blocking the emotions from that day, 3 years ago is normally pretty simple for me.
But not today.
It’s not like I’m not functional. I am. I got out of bed, walked, went to work, and so forth.
There’s just this blah existence in me today.
It really hit me in the car. The point where tears were coming but I said NO! Not today, at least not right now.
It’s the recollection of my feelings from that evening that creates this emotional upheaval within me. Not necessarily that he is gone. It’s the way it all went down. I really thought I had come to terms with this.
I came home to find flowers from my husband and youngest daughter and a piece of snail mail from a friend. Life is sometimes really hard and filled with sadness and anxiety. But the glimmer of hope is still there, it lies within the area around us. It may not be in our view at the moment but it is there.
It’s coming back into my view. Tiny bit by tiny bit. Perhaps tomorrow. Yes, probably tomorrow.