Writtern on April 1, 2018 Easter and April Fool’s Day
When you feel no more can be withstood.
Many people are rejoicing today and pulling pranks on their friends. The first I speak of are Christians for it’s Easter and Jesus has risen! The second folk are enjoying April Fool’s Day. Perhaps you are a combination of both. For me today is a day of attending church service and an Easter supper with my children, I’m not much of a prankster. Knowing my personality, if one did an xray my funny bone would be quite small.
For me today is a bout of less than stellar emotions. So much to rejoice about yet I can’t knock myself out of this funk. I know what led me to the depressive emotions, but unable to write about it here or even if I did I know it would make no difference in reality.
Oh don’t worry, I won’t show the downer state at the church service or even at my family gathering. The nice clothes for church and the smile will appear, even the Happy Easter acolade will slip from my mouth. I will be happy for the others, my children around my dinner table, and grandchildren finding Easter eggs will bring me joy. Then all will go home, the dim state will creep back in, and I will have to figure out how to push through.
Because that is what I do. I push through, my mother taught me that without even saying the words. Her example was to bulldoze the challenge ahead of her and never let it win. Eventually the body gave out and the challenge won. It was probably for the best, she was tired I know, her fight was less than it was back in the day. Is that how it will be for me? Feeling like I am fighting for a life I want but can’t seem to quite grasp it? Is this really all my own fault, self-inflicted? I presume some will say yes, some will relate, and some will just scroll through to the next blog post that catches their eye.
I’m feeling tired already to be honest. Everything seems to be a challenge and if I don’t reach the right level each day I then fall to the state of feeling that of a failure. I suppose it’s the adjusting period, with the new schedule from the job, my workouts not being when they were, and change isn’t my real strong suit.
Oh there I go, I let you in on just a tad of what the reasons may be. I always have been kind of an open book. I mean, why else would I have a blog sharing words from my mind, heart, and soul.
Although of late I have seriously considered closing both blogs down. Giving up on something I once loved to do to make room for something else in the schedule. Why does everything have to feel so hard to accomplish? I don’t handle it as well as I used to ya know.
Does this blog post even intertwine and make sense? Perhaps only in my mind. Basically it’s a moment in my life that I may not even recall six months from now. I may not even give it a second thought next April 1st. But in the reality of it all where to do I go from here? What choices do I have before me that I can look at and not feel so overwhelmed? Marking off my lists, conquering my challenge, stuffing the defeated self away until another cloudy day comes along. That’s how it goes.
It’s April 11th and I am just now revisiting this post. To be honest, I am very happy with my writing in this post. I feel honest and that it is well written. I had planned to revisit it sooner and share it. But today is the day because there really isn’t much else to write about it except this.
The bouts of depression appear, they always do. The stresses of life exist. The joy filled moments take my breath away and the photographs I take remind me of happier times. Reality exists and without any of this my life would be incomplete I presume.