The Mediocre Level


I wrote this piece not this week but prior.  Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well.  In fact, the last few days have been good.  Writing allows me to process and move forward.  Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.

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I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have.   I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.

The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.

Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence.  The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems.  I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.”  I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now.  There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again.  Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.

As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around!  Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!”  But in reality I’m not.  I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.

I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment.  It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward.  I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace.  And it’s driving me nuts!

I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away.  The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life.  I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of  handling  things.  Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.

I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”.  Well this time I’m not.  I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.

One.  One positive thing a day.  I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts.  I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good.  Where will that lead me?

Julie

Writing Prompts – Write About a Moment When…


I was scrambling to write a post for today.   I opened my writing prompts book for help.  This is what I chose for today. I hope it helps someone. The strength is present, just dig deeper for it.

Write about a moment when you felt proud of yourself.

It was May 1989.  I was 18 years old.  There was a large crowd of people in the stands, most I didn’t even know.  But there was an almost two-year old little girl in the crowd.  She’s part of why I felt so proud of myself.  See it was my high school graduation and that little girl was my daughter.  Walking across that stage meant many things to me.  The journey to that day is one I’d like to share. 1987-88

Walking the halls my junior year of high school, with my stomach growing each week wasn’t as much of a proud feeling as walking across the graduation stage.  There were the stares, the talk, the questions, the scandal, the rejection.  There were supportive and nice folks as well, some that stepped up changed not only my life but my daughter’s as well.  I’m grateful for all of them.

I didn’t get in this circumstance by myself but I did take responsibility, even if it was a struggle a lot of days.  Having a large high school full of students and teachers know daily what you did with someone else  at such a young age wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. But I did it because life mattered.  That child I was carrying mattered.

I wasn’t a martyr, I wasn’t good at it, and I didn’t deserve a medal for continuing high school while pregnant.  In fact, I wasn’t the first and I wasn’t the last pregnant teen there. I wasn’t the only one that year either.

My gift was not only delivering a healthy, beautiful little baby girl in June 1988.  One of my gifts was the ability to finish high school, walk across the stage to obtain my diploma, and show that two year old it can be done.  That there is strength within, even during the hardest of days.  Also that dwelling on the mistake doesn’t make life better, but learning from it does.

One of the proudest moments in my life was walking across a stage to accept a piece of paper that I worked hard for.  That gave me and my little family opportunities that I might not have had if I had quit high school.  I had good support that I needed during this part of my life, that made a huge difference.

So.  If you are reading this and you are a young teen that is pregnant or know someone that is a teen mother, or are one yourself I want you to know something.  That life within in you or sitting on your lap matters, and so do YOU.  You matter more than you know.  Take the time to find strength, ask for help, stop and take deep breaths often.  Don’t dwell on your mistake, but learn from it.  Love your child.  Love yourself.  I’m praying for you and your family.

Grace is a gift,
Julie

To My 25 Year Old Self


You probably noticed this isn’t a Weight-less Wednesday post.  I decided I wanted to post on Friday for my Weight-less weekly post.  So check back to see a recap of the month of February then.

 

To my 25 year old self I’d like to write you a letter if I could.  This written by you at 44 years old  with more wisdom, less attitude, more wrinkles, better perspective, ongoing learning, and reaching to make a difference daily.  

The life you are living now, one day it will seem so far away in the past that you sometimes wonder if it really happened.

The controlling and severe person that is exhibited often from you, she finds a more calm and loving place to land.

The depth of your faith, it grows.  It changes for the better, it becomes a solid foundation for you.

There are things you believe now that you will not believe when you are 44 and it will be for the better.

Read the bible and study it.  

You will continue to love music.  It will still take you away or bring you back to reality!

Save money now.  Start now seriously!

You will be a Mother a third time. I know, that one you are arguing with me on right now!

When you are 44 you will find a happiness you longed for your whole life, one that you only dreamed about.

You will come to remember something so extremely horrible that your life seems upside down for a year or so. But you make it through, you really do.  You come out on the other side stronger more loved  and more free.

One of your babies makes you a grandma.

Your children will challenge you, love you, defy you, and then come back to a place of adult relationships to appreciate what you did for them.

Between now and 44 you will learn so many new things, especially in your 40’s.

One day or rather several days, you will go to town with no makeup on or hair washed and completely styled. (Honest)

Be proud of yourself now.   Be patient with yourself now.  Try new things now.  Trust yourself now.

The self-esteem that is often low, it ignites into something not 100% but much better just the same.

The pain you will feel in a few years will pass and God gives you what you need as always.

You become very good at the career you chose to start last year, so good it last a very long time.

Get healthy now, it will be SO much easier I promise.  Learn new things too.

The guilt you feel in most circumstances when you make a choice, it will never totally go away. But you will learn how to decipher what is real and what is from past experiences.

Raising your children is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but it is completely worth it.  Even on the hardest days. I promise.

Respect more.  Be critical less.  Lift up that special someone, don’t tear them down.

One day you will drink more water, eat yogurt and apples, and it will become a daily occurrence for you.  All because of one person who enters your life.

I could write so much more to you but for now I will let you drink in these tidbits of growing older. They are all blessings that help make you who you are.

Grace is a gift,

Julie

What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time?  Or perhaps write a letter to the yourself in years to come?

 

 

44. That’s the Number for this Challenge!


First of all, I expect all my friends and family to comment below or on my Facebook page when I share this with ideas! Help needed! 🙂 

You know that friend I tend to mention often over here.  The one that got me started on this 365 day writing experiment?  The one that challenges me often, loves me unconditionally, and brings objective perspective to my life?  Yea.  Heather. She’s the one.  Well, she did something cool for birthday.    The entire saga is below!

There’s the post that started it all “ce-le-brate good times, come on.”

There’s the post of her results of finishing those steps!  “The Mighty climb of 39.”

There is the post called “Insert big exploding heart” that tells of the results of inspiring others.

Here’s the deal, I turn 44 on December 26th.  I need some help, I need to figure out a way to do what Heather did. To give to others, inspire others, and involve me giving of myself!  

Disclaimer right here folks!  I WILL NOT climb steps or run.  I won’t. I’m sorry.  My husband would probably be giving me CPR or better yet call 911!  SO!  Here’s a little of what I like/do. Throw me some ideas, time is running out!  Inspire me so I can inspire others and have a good excuse to get off the couch on December 26th! 🙂 

I enjoy…….

planning events, mission work, fundraisers, gatherings, and cooking.

outreach work, food bank, elderly folk, and sharing kindness.

bringing awareness to adoption, walking for exercise, and donating time or other things to those in need.

Random Acts of Kindness is great, but I like to do that all year-long periodically.  So I’d like to try something a little different for my birthday.  So, how can I inspire others to join me in this already busy times of year?  

Ready, Set, Go!  Inspire me with your ideas!

 

44th Birthday

Grace is a gift,

Julie