Written Mid- July 2017
I find myself realizing that just six months ago walking .83 of a mile took me 30 minutes or possibly more. Today I am able to walk that same path in 18 to 20 minutes. I’m no runner and I never want to be but I’m pretty proud of this. I sometimes have to break my walks up throughout the day due to my schedule. I feel bad when I look at my fitness tracker and see less than 4000 steps by 1:00 p.m. But there are those days. I’ve made some improvements in the physical part of my health, a ways to go but I’m headed in the right direction.
This week I decided I might like to try riding a bike. I have this old Schwinn bike that was my parents. I think it’s kinda cool. But the tires on it are not made for country roads and with my balance issues it’s quite possible I’ll end up on the ground more often than not. I’m hoping to try my husband or oldest daughter’s bike to decide if this is a new thing for me. To see if the addition of bike riding will give me a little variety in life so to speak! If all works with that adventure, I might just have to trade my old Schwinn for a newer country road tire bike! 🙂
This week I noticed that when dining out I made good choices so to speak. Did I still eat a hamburger and fries and even a chocolate shake. Yes. But the good choice for me was not picking the combo meal that had the largest size of those items. I was enjoying my meal even though I didn’t stuff myself. Then one evening my husband had brought home a piece of homemade cherry pie. (In his defense, he asked the diner if they had sugar free.) I took about 3 bites and decided it was too sweet and I really didn’t want it. Perhaps that was his plan all along…… 🙂
One of the things I dislike is having my blood sugar level go too low, for a couple reasons. I feel bad and then when I do eat it shoots up which causes other uncomfortable results. So balance is really a key item in this game of controlling diabetes. I can tell when my body reaches about 95 to 90, the too low symptoms begin to show. If it makes it to 70 I need help! But most of the time I keep it around 105 – 120 area before meals and after meals varies from 125 to 145 depending on what I eat.
I am still in the obese section for BMI. I’m still in a size 18 and the scale hasn’t moved in a couple months. I continue to love sweets and I do eat them. The goodness for me is that I am taking the time to pay attention to my body. I am sure if I had a trainer I would be even better off but that isn’t going to happen or the home chef. Contentment with where I have come so far is important, moving forward is key as well but for now I’m okay with just settling into this new way.
Until next time,
I wrote this piece not this week but prior. Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well. In fact, the last few days have been good. Writing allows me to process and move forward. Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.
I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have. I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.
The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.
Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence. The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems. I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.” I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now. There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again. Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.
As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around! Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!” But in reality I’m not. I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.
I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment. It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward. I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace. And it’s driving me nuts!
I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away. The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life. I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of handling things. Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.
I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”. Well this time I’m not. I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.
One. One positive thing a day. I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts. I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good. Where will that lead me?
“Mom, you don’t dance in the kitchen any more.”
My youngest daughter said those words to me recently.
Her words were profound.
She’s right. I don’t. Hearing these words brought a sense of sadness over me. Which were followed by feelings of being overwhelmed and out of kilter. How did I get to this place?
I’ve swerved in and out of this journey with a dark cloud that continues to hover over me. From my best estimates, this cloud was teeny-tiny about 3 years ago. Just a newborn and then quickly began to grow.
With each moment of anxiety, nervousness, and feeling as though I was failing, that small cloud turned into a massive one with the death of my two parents. There were moments of sunshine that blocked the darkness temporarily but as the days passed by the darkness began to win out.
Now three years later I am in the midst of something I know needs changed. I awake daily feeling either frustrated, over whelmed or sad. I look in the mirror and am unsure of who I am. Not to mention I faintly remember that gal that danced in the kitchen.
So many factors go into this equation that has brought me to this point in my life. I’m approaching my 46th birthday and know there are decisions to be made. Life changes and willpower are needed; yet I’m struggling to find a starting point.
It’s there. I know it is. Deep down inside this dark clouded mind and sedentary body it sleeps. The one thing that will bring me back to the gal that dances in the kitchen and smiles more often.