The Mediocre Level


I wrote this piece not this week but prior.  Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well.  In fact, the last few days have been good.  Writing allows me to process and move forward.  Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.

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I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have.   I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.

The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.

Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence.  The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems.  I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.”  I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now.  There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again.  Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.

As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around!  Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!”  But in reality I’m not.  I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.

I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment.  It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward.  I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace.  And it’s driving me nuts!

I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away.  The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life.  I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of  handling  things.  Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.

I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”.  Well this time I’m not.  I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.

One.  One positive thing a day.  I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts.  I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good.  Where will that lead me?

Julie

Spring in My Step


Hit the pavement this morning and I’m feeling GOOD!  It’s a great day, wonderful day, smile on my face day!  Time to take the bull by the horns and make the best of this life here on earth!  It was cold outside today but it just pushed me to be more determined! To accomplish the task at hand!  The walk cleared my mind and got me motivated with alittle help from this song on my playlist!

There I was on the walking path, smiling and walking with a little spring in my step!  I love music! I love how it can lift you up and even on occasion take you to a moment of clarity!  🙂 Whether it’s an upbeat worship beat or an old hymn, country song from the 70’s, or a Christmas song like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and of course I love the Zac Brown Band!

I finish by walking my cool down to this song most days.  I truly love the way it makes my heart feel and it makes me feel special in my own little world! 🙂 It slows me down to remember what’s important in life. That I can do all things through Christ because I am redeemed.

What type of music do you enjoy?  What is your favorite group or song or singer?

Grace is a gift,

Julie

Where’s the off switch?


 

The past week or two I wish I could turn my brain off, specifically at bedtime.  It’s not set to upsetting things, more like excitement of things to come!  My mind starts thinking of ideas for the current board I sit on at church.  It plays out how that children’s moment would go or how to fill that food donation box or get people to invite others or a monthly newsletter displaying current events and happenings! I’d love for these to come at a time other than when I am closing my eyes!

I have come to love this “mission” God placed in front of me.  The one I had no clue about but it seems to be comforting to me, like an old comfy quilt you wrap yourself in while taking it easy on the sofa.  It gives me purpose at a time when I could be feeling quite lost, with no purpose.  It makes me smile and on occasion even irritated, but to be honest I wouldn’t change this opportunity.  I’m grateful for the congregation that allows me to serve in this way, for God’s leading hand, and that I receive so much joy from hard work.

I only wish I had an “off switch” at bedtime! 🙂  Who wants a tired board member anyway?  🙂 

So, is there a board or group that you participate in that gets your creative juices flowing?  Care to share about your experience?

Grace is a gift,

Julie