The Mediocre Level


I wrote this piece not this week but prior.  Today as I decide to actually publish it I’ve felt pretty well.  In fact, the last few days have been good.  Writing allows me to process and move forward.  Not always staying ahead but not falling as far back as I once would is more of a normal thing now. I call that progress.

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I hate that my parents died. I hate that the questions go unanswered and the memories are all I have.   I feel broken from that stint I did in 2013. I hate that the confidence I used to feel inside me has been replaced with the lack thereof and the fear of the unknown.

The task of analyzing oneself can be taunting and at times the individual may find themselves grasping to get their head above water.

Currently I do not feel I am doing any area of my life with much excellence.  The ability to be exceedingly good at something has fallen from my life it seems.  I would say I am more in the “do what I need to and get by mode.”  I’ve been running on auto pilot for sometime now.  There’s been a couple of times I’ve began with a mindset of success to only find I fall into that mediocre level once again.  Even in the times of my life (pre-2013) when I was challenged, whether personally or professionally, I still had one or two areas of life I was above average in.

As you can tell the “analyzing” oneself has recently occurred in my life and it has brought a less than stellar mojo around!  Some of you are probably saying right now, “but Julie you are doing this and this and this so well!”  But in reality I’m not.  I’m doing just enough for it to “look” okay.

I’m not falling apart, I’m just looking reality in the face at the moment.  It’s not an “upper” but the “downer” part might be what I need to face to move forward.  I can no longer be the leader of all areas of my life and do it with grace.  And it’s driving me nuts!

I can look back and see when the strength that my mother instilled in me began to fall away.  The turmoil and wreckage of an experience finally got to me and altered my everyday life.  I may be fooling myself, perhaps those traumatic experiences as a child altered me too, but until I was in my 40’s I was capable of  handling  things.  Three consecutive experiences took me to my knees and it’s hard to get up, even almost four years later.

I suppose this is where I would normally write the lines of postivity and a mantra of things to get me “re-booted”.  Well this time I’m not.  I am not going to sit in the depths of despair but I will close with this.

One.  One positive thing a day.  I shall pluck one little thing from my day that I did well and place it at the top of my thoughts.  I will bask in the glory of even the simplest task I did that was good.  Where will that lead me?

Julie

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Cross Upon My Wall


One day I woke feeling like my head couldn’t hurt any worse and my joints were super achy.  The thought that crossed my mind was “this has gotta be satan”.  No kidding.  I really thought that.  I didn’t have the flu and I hadn’t been out “living it up” the night before. It’s just reality that I wake in this form some mornings.

This is my view when I wake and look to the south or  rise from the bed.

Cross Upon My Wall

This cross is one of the first things I see and it reminds me of something.  God is always with me. Having this to look at first thing in the morning helps me to find courage, strength, and the ability to move forward. Do you have something that helps you with remembering that God is always with you?  A cross, a key chain, a piece of art, sculpture, or maybe it’s your tattered bible.  I think reminders are a good thing and I know as I age I find myself needing them more.   But we should always keep in our mind that we are not alone.  I hope this scripture helps you today with remembering this.

Joshua 1:9

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Grace is a gift,

Julie

Limitations


Limitations.

I’m currently dealing with some.

One of them is a bladder disorder called interstitial cystitis, you can read more about it in this post.   I’ve lived with for many years and although it isn’t going to kill me, it can be a painful and life changing thing to have.

The most recent one has to do with my left leg.  You have heard me mention it in my Weight-less Wednesdays occasionally.  The time finally arrived that I could not ignore what my body was trying to tell me for a few months.  I found myself frustrated and unhappy that I couldn’t even walk with much quickness without pain in my left leg.  My current limitation is that I can’t walk more than 15 minutes at a time for exercise. I normally walk an hour a day.  I am disgruntled with this but I know that it is best for now.

walking

Limitation of money. This is one that has arrived in our household due to the fact that I do not work full-time any longer.  The fact that there is additional expense due to my recent injury as well, digs a little deeper into the pockets.  But the satisfaction of seeing my daughter off the bus, visiting with her right after, feeling a peace in life, and being able to help others through volunteering more means this one is doable.

These limitations that I could be getting extremely down about, but today I choose to accept them.  I choose to look at them as minor limitations in a life full of blessings.  I can still walk, bend over, giggle with my kid and grandkids, cook for my family, sit in a church pew, visit with friends, sing and hang out with family.  My life has a few limitations that will not occupy my existence in primary.  They will not be the first or last thing that others will remember me by.

Blake.  He was a young man I was fortunate enough to get to know during his high school years.  He brought strength, inspiration, and laughter with each meeting of our youth group.  Along with that he loved football and had a smile that was super!  When you saw him he was in a wheel chair, for he had muscular dystrophy.  But that’s not what he left behind when he passed away at 22.  He left behind a legacy of strength, inspiration, and endurance for others to look to.  He is who I think of when I am getting down about my own limitations.  Mine is nothing like what he had to endure, not even remotely close.

Thinking of Blake helps me gather my strengths and place them in the forefront of my life to be an example of endurance, strength, peace, and hope.  I pray I can be the example to others that one can make a difference, along with making the world a better place. Also that your limitations don’t have to run your life or ruin your spirit.

So.  My question is,  are you allowing limitations to take you where you don’t want be?

Grace is a gift,

Julie