The Look I Saw

The look I saw upon my Dad’ s face as I walked into his hospital room today was one I wish I could get out of my mind.  The snapshot that is, seems  to have taken up permanent residence in my mind, is one I dislike.

The look I saw upon his face was one of a little boy that had gotten lost in a supermarket or an elderly person that wasn’t sure anymore if they should go right or left to get home.

The look of being scared.

I have never witnessed this on my Dad’s face before. Ever.

We had brought our six year old daughter to see him, she’s kinda special to him but that story is for another time,  I knew when I saw  his face and it didn’t light up that something was very wrong.  We hugged, said hello, and normally he would visit away with our daughter and us.  Not today.  Today as the six year old went to sit by her Daddy, my Daddy tells me he has news.  News to tell me when she isn’t here.  We waited for my sister to arrive and I scurried off my daughter and husband.

I knew what was coming but when you hear the words come from your Daddy’s mouth, it rocks your world. Although I didn’t show it, it did in fact rock my world. There’s a difference between “could be” and “actually being.”  The actually being sucks.  Just sayin.

I held his hand, I listened while he talked.  My sister and I had the nurses page the doctor that told my Daddy while he had no family member with him he has lung cancer.  Lucky for us,  his lung doctor’s partner was on the floor, and ended up answering our questions.

We prayed again today.  My voice didn’t crack and tears didn’t come during prayer , but my Daddy, he shed a few tears.  And to be honest, I think it makes him a better man for doing so.

The scared look hung around.  When we returned late afternoon to see him, he was better.  He is still processing but he was able to visit and didn’t have that off in the distance look in his eye.

I want to comfort him, remove his fears, and make it all better.  Unfortunately I am not able to do that.  I know God will provide us with what we need.  It’s just difficult to comprehend things at the moment.  So I will take a deep breath, hold my Daddy’s hand, and do what I can.

Grace is a gift,

Julie

 

PS: As you can tell my life is in a place that is difficult, I do not know what lies ahead in regard to my writing, but I feel if I am moved to write of my experience I should.  I hope you don’t mind seeing a little darkness and I’m pretty sure there will be some precious memories made in the process as well.  If you feel the urge, we invite you to pray for my Dad and family.  Thank you from my heart.